Becoming less interested in becoming

So just to start with a few words about sharing about my life journey.
So, I’m… what am I doing exactly?
I’m on a journey towards my real self, self-love, inner being, healing, deconditioning, spiritual path, peeling unnecessary layers and limiting beliefs, quiet my inner critic Harry, feeling ultimate freedom (inside myself) … whatever you want to call it!

I feel the need of sharing a lot, which I already do in a way of course, and it feels I start wanting to share more or quicker.  I feel like in a train that’s starting to ride faster, in a good way. It’s just because I’m learning so much and I get so excited. I can’t express enough how interested I am in this shit. I want to scream it from the roofs! Like we say in Dutch.
I’m literally sometimes like OMG everyone should know this!
But I’m also aware that I have to be kind of careful with how to explain it or what to share exactly, or I don’t know… I feel like I’m so absorbed in the subject that people maybe won’t follow me anymore.
But maybe that’s a kind of fear I have which is not necessarily the reality.
So yeah, maybe for some feedback… Let me know if you don’t follow me anymore. 😉
Feel free to ask me questions or tell me: Hansie stop, you’ve said enough or maybe you should come back to earth instead of flying somewhere between here and the universe.

I also realize that not everyone wants to listen to this, but you know… My Brainwaves are perfect for that. I can just shout it out loud and people who want to listen, listen. People who don’t want to listen, don’t! 😉 Easy peasy.

I’m feeling so like… – how do you say that – fascinated by all the information I’m learning now about being present and human design and consciousness and self-love, but especially spiritual lessons about how you become aware, how to not get attached to your thoughts and so on.
I’m literally obsessed, fascinated.
It starts to feel like “coming home”.
Like things start to make sense and I’m like WOW this is what I’ve been looking for or it’s like a recognition like: this is exactly how I feel at the moment!
And that’s such a nice feeling.
I want to share that with everyone.

Then sometimes it also gets really confusing for myself, or I kind of fall into the trap of my inner critic Harry again who tries to tell me how ridiculous some things are or who just brings me back to “reality”: “Shouldn’t you be worrying about money and stuff or what??? Shouldn’t we focus on problems again instead of being fascinated about stuff that doesn’t give you any clear direction to success at the moment?”
Self-sabotage incoming. 😉

I also know that I have to be careful to whom I’m talking about everything I’m learning.
I mean, there’s definitely a reason I’m looking for communities and for retreats to join at the moment and that I’m doing lots of ceremonies. Because I want to be surrounded by and talk to people who fully understand me in my process.
Of course, even though people are not literally on the same path as me, there are enough people (I have amazing people around me) who I know that are interested in what I’m up to. Which I am really grateful for. But I know it’s a subject that not everyone understands (yet, like I also didn’t understand it when I was too absorbed in my mind, just saying) or who just don’t find it interesting, or who find it big bullshit. OR who have like really critical questions or comments about it.
Because I feel kind of wobbly on this path still, those critic voices make me doubt about myself again and that’s not what I need right now. They only feed my Harry. And I try to let go of my Harry.

Eckhart Tolle is my hero at the moment. Every spare minute of the day I’m listening to his podcast. I even fall asleep with him in my ears. He says so many things I recognize, and that kind of reassures me to continue and to stay this fascinated. 😉 And writing it down and sharing it helps me to get clarity.

My first experience with literally experiencing to be more present, to “be” more instead of “do” more, was during my ten-day silent retreat.
Since then I’ve been very aware of practicing that or continuing with that. With more “being” instead of “doing”. Or let’s say “becoming”.
I started questioning: Why do I always feel like I have to ACHIEVE things?
To be productive?
I don’t want to live like that anymore.

Eckhart said that in this shift, or (spiritual) process to become more aware, it’s almost natural that you lose interest in achieving stuff.
In a phase of this process, you just want “to be”.
When he said that I was like: There you go! That makes sense. I’m not crazy that I feel this way, apparently more people experience this!

And of course sometimes I wonder, now I am feeling like this: Will I ever manage to kind of “achieve” something again? To find a way to make money and to kind of “work”, to be a part of that society.
I start to question goal setting as well. Why do we seem to focus on goals and work from goal to goal, not being really happy or not for long? Why don’t we focus more on the journey instead? I had Brainwaves about that and I didn’t even know why exactly. But now I start to get it.
Because I am feeling more present. And the more present you are, the less you “care” about achieving things (because once you do that you live in the future instead).
But of course, in a way it makes me scared, this lack of feeling like “achieving” something. It gives me panic sometimes. My mind doesn’t fully understand what I’m up to.

But then I listen to Eckhart Tolle and I’m like: okay, it’s all good.
It’s maybe another confirmation that I should give myself time and allow myself to be present and to feel this lack of wanting to achieve things right now.
Even though it gives me a feeling of being useless or laziness as well.

I just feel more strongly and I want to hold on to that, let’s say I have an INNER KNOWING… that going into this rollercoaster of being more present: it’s the best thing I can do to myself.
It’s such a nice feeling to notice that Harry is getting a bit quieter as well.
Or that I’m getting more aware of Harry and just see what’s going on, so that I can finally shift things instead of believing everything Harry says.
Without forcing or pushing, without doing that much and constantly reacting to everything he says.

Just being.
F*cking being ALIVE!
Just be in the feeling to feel more peace and a kind of satisfaction in just being quiet.
In being with myself and not needing much more than that.
Not needing any achievements or goals, like lots of people seem to do.
Sometimes I can kind of look at society and almost see people as if they’re robots.
Literally not present at all.
And I’m that same robot you know, sometimes. I’m also not that present sometimes. And I’ve been even less in the past. I can be the biggest robot of them all!
It’s not to judge other people that I’m saying this, or myself, but just to watch people and notice it. (We love people-watching in the Netherlands by the way, just sitting down on the terrace, facing the street and watching people and gossiping about people).

ANYWAY before I drift off.
People (including me yeah again, to be clear) are just often rushing to the next thing that has to be done.
Moving like robots.
No idea what they’re really doing.
Sucked up in their stress and restlessness, and doing whatever.
And goal setting and achieving.
Is it weird that I see it that way now? I don’t know.
Anyway, apparently this realization is part of my whole process.
Knowing that is such a relief.

So, in his podcast Eckhart, luckily, said that there’s light at the end of the tunnel of this confusion.
Like, in theory, I could choose to live a life and only just “be” forever. Just go live in the mountains and meditate all day. But I also want to kind of live a normal life you know. I don’t want to be that extreme 😉.
So according to Eckhart you will kind of realize after a while that you have to participate in the doing or becoming again, BUT just in a different way than before. Not as a robot, doing without awareness.
But now, after this realization, by doing things more centered, more from your true self, with more ease and with pure intentions.
He says that needing the outcome (or having a goal) diminishes, it gets secondary. You have the ability to be completely present in what you do, so you enjoy what you’re doing at the moment (that’s exactly what I’m aiming for the whole time: enjoying the process, the journey! Instead of the final destination).
Of course, you want things, but not because you feel like you need it as a lack of something, because you think you’ll only be happy when you achieve it. No, now you work towards it with a state of being okay with what is right here right now.

I’m not there yet I think. I’m at the step before. Not wanting to do too much stuff. 😉
Even though it’s not that I’m not doing anything at the moment. I’m still doing stuff.
I’m still interacting with the world.
But less than before, clearly. Less than normal.
I’m quite a lot on my own and I’m trying to take lots of steps back and be quiet, and I’m really enjoying it.
The world seems a little bit too much for me every now and then. I can’t even think of buying festival tickets or going home to see my friends every week, you know. Let alone working 30 hours a week, my goodness. That’s the kind of stage I’m in right now.

And it’s not out of feeling burned out this time. I clearly see that difference.
But it’s out of learning to live in a different way, learning to live more in that “being” state and choosing consciously to take this step back to let this shift happen.
So again, what Eckhart says: what might change is that you do other things than before, you enjoy other things. Whatever that will mean to me. I could imagine I’ll party less for example. I’m not enjoying partying right now. But who knows, maybe when summer comes, I feel that need again. We’ll see.

He does also say though: when a challenge comes in, then it could happen again that you will fall into the trap of focusing too much on the doing or achieving goals again – so it’s important to be aware of how you react to those obstacles. You have to stay aware that challenges are a part of the journey, so just face them as a part of the journey and not as a dramatic “problem”, which Harry would definitely think.

Do you follow me still??

Anyway, like I said before: Hopefully I don’t sound like a hippie too much with all these Brainwaves about presence and goals and shifts and bladiebla.
But oh well… if I do sound like a hippie to you: Hippie Hansie sounds quite nice, doesn’t it? Lots of H’s to use here. Hippie Hansie’s Healing yihaaaaa.
Triple H! like the tattoo on my left leg. That actually stands for Hip Hop Hannah. But I can replace it with anything, it’s my party, isn’t it?


I have a funny story about that tattoo btw, to finish these brainwaves with something random.
When I was in Vietnam a few years ago, I joined a limbo dancing competition in a hostel. I finished second and I won money for a free tattoo! It was quite a lot of money and I didn’t want a big tattoo, so I asked if I could have a small one and a piercing in my ear instead, which was possible (see the picture above this blog). One of my travel mates called me Hip Hop Hannah, because I love dancing. He said: “You should get a HHH tattoo if you get the chance.” Well, this was obviously the chance. So from that day there’s a triple H on my left leg. And it seems like it’s getting more and more meaning with the years, right. 😉


I love the meaning of and the stories behind tattoos. Your own life story worn on your body.

Anyway, to finish with beautiful words from Eckhart Tolle:
“Your greatest achievement is to be conscious NOW.”

BOOM! Let’s contemplate on that mindfuck.

Thanks for reading. X Hannah

If you prefer to listen, you can listen to my Brainwaves, here:


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Hannah de Maagt


Genieten van de reis en niet teveel bezig zijn met het eindstation, dat is wat ik probeer te doen.
Ik ben een free spirit en ik wil dan ook leven naar hoe ik het zelf wil en niet naar hoe het zou moeten of wat “hoort”.

Experimenteren en daar dan weer van leren.
In een never ending zoektocht naar mijn authentieke zelf en wat écht belangrijk is in het leven.

Hannah de Maagt

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