My brain…
Sometimes he makes me so tired.
My brain is unstoppable.
He’s constantly sabotaging.
Constantly looking for more.
Constantly looking for “must-do’s”.

There are a lot of mornings that I wake up quite depressed.
My mornings are the worst of the day.
It is as if my brain doesn’t give me time to just relax.
To slowly wake up.
To just be “shut down” for a moment.

I’m on high alert, always.
I’m a radar that is constantly picking up energy’s and cues from other people.
I have the idea that I always have to be ON, and have to be alert.
That I have to pay attention to what happens and always have to be responsible for the energy of a group.

And when I’m alone, I’m always busy with the next thing on my to do list.
Always productive.
Always busy.
I never take time to just you know, do whatever.
I always want more.

Do I have too much work? Then I want more rest.
More space for creativity or social activities.
Do I not have enough work for a while?
Then there’s worries, about money.

A sort of restlessness.
Am I doing enough?
Do the people around me like me?
Am I a good friend?
Should I invest more time in the people I care for?

A constant pressure.
I’m constantly busy.
I have to keep developing myself.
Another coach.
Another self-help book.
Another interesting podcast.

I had such a lovely summer.
So much joy and fun.
And every now and then I secretly allowed myself to let it all go, to surrender.

My mind.
That inner critic. I call him: Harry.
He always has an opinion about everything, when it comes to myself.
As if Harry doesn’t think I deserve the fun a 100%.
Because there’s always more.
It can always be better.
It can always be different.

I also notice it more often in conversations with my boyfriend.
That when he points out something, something that he notices about me.
Or just, when he says something like: “Oh, you did this or you said this or that…”
That 9 out of 10 times, I think that he’s criticizing me.
As if, with everything he says, he wants to say something that’s not good about me.
While he never means it as criticism.

Right and wrong, black and white.
I always think that I am guilty.
Or like: “Oops, that’s probably wrong? Am I doing something wrong?”
In my head, 9 out of 10 times, I am doing something wrong.

Let’s watch some stupid TV then, Love Island.
Nice, finally! Finally I can turn my brain off.

Some times are better.
Sometimes my inner critic is a little bit tamed.
But most of the times he is quite strong.
Why? I have no idea. If only I had the answer.

Maybe this blogpost makes no sense.
My inner critic is saying: “Hannah, what shit are you talking right now again.”
But that’s the thing, right.
Welcome to my mind.

I hoped that my critic will feel heard by writing this and by giving him attention in this way, and that he will be a bit tamed again.
Thanks Harry, that gives me a bit of relieve.