Hi I’m Hannah, or you can call me Hansie!
I am a Dutchie, but at the moment I am hopping around the globe, exploring myself and the world.
My boyfriend lives in England, so that’s where I am a lot of times as well.
I’ve been on a self-development journey for some time now and I would like to tell my story.
A few years ago, I thought that I had to go with all the things “I should” do or how it’s supposed to be. With thinking I should achieve a lot, focusing on success, mostly linked to money and working hard for it, and always living by the expectations of others.
I felt a lot of pressure to belong to certain groups or society, social pressure and obligations.
I was influenced a lot by what happened around me and lots of time I let people cross my boundaries.
I found it hard to say no or to set my boundaries in general, I found it hard to tell people if things didn’t feel right to me or if I didn’t like something. I was always busy with other people, I did lots of people pleasing. I always felt guilty if I would make a choice that felt good for myself but if someone else wouldn’t like it. Everything felt like my responsibility. I was living in my head, even though I always felt a lot. But I just didn’t know how to listen to my body. I thought that I had to listen to everything and everyone else.
There were some periods in my life that I felt really miserable, depressed almost. Lots of crying day after day, lots of stress, migraines, a burn-out… I was very very self-critical. From the outside you would say that I had a perfect life and that I looked so happy. Everything sorted, everything under control. But I was putting an enormous amount of pressure on myself to make it all work. I was constantly pushing myself and then I would tell myself all the time that I was doing everything wrong. I was always worrying about the future. Lots of doubts, lots of difficulties to make decisions. What do I really want? How do I know what I want? I had no idea.
Always a busy mind and I didn’t know how to get out.
I didn’t always take good care of myself. I did a lot of partying. Of course it’s fun and it’s all about the balance. But I’d go all out, to release the stress. With lots of Hansie’s Hangovers. So then I would feel even more exhausted and miserable. But I mostly just didn’t know in general when enough was enough. I always had the idea that I had to work harder, that I had to do more. I didn’t love myself, at all. I didn’t know how to do that. Loving yourself, eeks, what’s that?!
I always tried to be everywhere all the time as the best (“perfect”) version of myself and I tried to control everything, but of course it only gave me stress and stress and stress.
My burn-out was the start of: “this needs to change”. It was the start of my self-development journey. A journey back to myself, rewind! With therapy, with some amazing solo travel trips I’ve done ánd with doing lots and lots of research about everything that has to do with the law of attraction, human design, mindset, self-love… and recently I’ve been diving even more into the world of spirituality, like Buddhism, self-inquiry, meditation … Eckhart Tolle is my hero at the moment (and Michael A. Singer actually. Oh, and Jan Geurtz…).
Anyway, before I sidetrack… Besides that I attended different workshops, courses and retreats. For me, a ten-day silent retreat was the best experience of my life.
I was so suprised that without any distraction and no one around me to influence me… I felt like a glowing lightbulb. Finally time to give space for my inner world only, what a release. Something has really shifted. Since then I feel definitely better than ever.
With all of this, I’ve learned to live more in the now and to not fall into the trap of my busy, critical head that easily anymore. Thanks to meditation (which I do every day now, no more excuses) I become more conscious about what happens in my mind and body and I can look at it instead of getting lost in it, so that I can prevent that I don’t know how to get out anymore.
Therefore, I can also make more conscious decisions, choices that are right for me.
Of course, I still have to cry every now and then and I still feel very stressed sometimes. But I can be with it, be curious about it and approach it with love, instead of pushing myself more or to have resistance towards whatever is happening in my inner world or around me.
Because of the retreats I also realize even more how harsh the world is sometimes. How we are tangled in certain systems in society and strong patterns… How we all live so much in our heads, not only me. While there is so much more. There is so much more life and goodness if we start to peel off all these layers of rules we have for ourselves and all these protections we think we need. If we just dare to take off our masks and show our real selves, and take responsibility for our own life. If we just show are emotions and dare to be open about our fears, but also about our deepest desires.
For me this has been such an eye-opener and it has been really valuable for my life.
I started to share more about my own life and my vulnerability in my blog and podcast. It was beautiful to see how people recognize things and get inspired by it.
I would love for you to come closer and stay close to who you are as well, to make choices that are good for you and to be more kind to yourself. To not do the things you “should do”, while they don’t feel right. To hold yourself back because of limiting beliefs and fears, while they are not even always yours but sometimes they’re even projected on you by others.
I jumped on a conscious self-development train, a rollercoaster that I can’t get out anymore. And even though it’s not always easy to dive into your inner world, I don’t want to get out anymore.
When you dare to jump, beautiful things can happen.
Thanks for reading and enjoy your journey, like I’m enjoying mine! <3
Enjoying the journey without being too busy with the final destination, that’s what I try to do.
I am a free spirit and I like to figure out how to live as my true self instead of doing things that “I should do” when they don’t feel right.
I am very conscious about my inner journey. I want to face my fears, remove the blockages that are in the way of expressing myself as my true and authentic self.
Jumping and diving into the unknown is scary. But this is what makes you feel alive and what makes you grow. There will always be a beautiful surprise at the end of the black hole.
I want to walk this earth as a glowing lightbulb and I want to share that energy with others. 🙂
It’s a process. It’s a journey and not always an easy one, but an extremely awesome and beautiful one.