After a few weeks of being restless and still putting pressure on myself in a way, I finally kind of start to see a light.
The shift has started since that cacao ceremony with sound healing I did last week.
I can’t tell you enough how magical it was! 🙂

Some things are starting to fall into place.
Maybe my meditation routine starts to work as well.
I have a strict routine for myself. But not strict as in pushing myself, but strict because I know it will help me in life.
I don’t watch my phone in the morning, so that I won’t start my day restless by seeing all the messages and demands from other people.
I am doing some exercises (Tibetan Rites) and I am doing a short morning yoga with the help of YouTube and I meditate for 20-30 minutes.
I take a shower and finish with cold for a fresh kick.
And then I am slowly ready to deal with the rest of the world.

During the day I start to take pauses now. In everything I do, I try to be aware of what I am doing. I try to be as present as possible. I try to stand still sometimes and breath for a moment. To be aware that I am at a specific place, doing what I’m doing and feeling what I’m feeling, and thinking what I’m thinking.
All to not get lost in my thoughts, my inner critic Harry who is still telling me to force things and do things that are not truly aligned. Of course, I still fall in the trap every now and then, but I am clearly more aware. Since I decided to sit with my restlessness and the feeling of pressure, instead of fighting it. And since I allowed myself to dream and look at opportunities, instead of limitations.

That’s definitely the meditation in working. And the fact that I am really conscious about being present.
I am reading “Verslaafd aan Liefde” at the moment which is all about letting go of self-rejection and meditation to help not getting absorbed in our protections and mechanisms to sabotage ourselves, because we’re afraid to get rejected. Unfortunately for my foreign friends: it’s a Dutch book.
But, I’m also listening to Eckhart Tolle’s podcast which is all about consciousness, unconsciousness, the ego, etcetera. So incredibly inspiring, and in English 😉.
Then I also decided to not only sit still and read and meditate, but since this week I’m attending some Tantra and Yoga courses in London which are really inspiring.

As you can see, I am taking steps, babysteps, to get more and more into my body and to not fall in the trap of my incredibly demanding mind, or to compare myself constantly with the world around me.
“Why am I also not just focusing on work like normal people do?”
“Am I not a loser?”
“Do I not need to be more productive?”
Nah, I don’t want to listen to those thoughts anymore.

Then that’s not all. It feels as if for the moment I found another puzzle piece of accepting who I am.
You know that my tendency is to look for the right job at the moment, to earn money NOW, because I tell myself I have to, because every normal person would do, or something like that.

But at the moment I start to view the world more as a place of possibilities. Not as a place where the only option is to look for jobs now, because I tell myself I have to. Crazy limiting belief that is.
So, I had the plan like: I might do another trip at the end of the year, maybe another retreat or yoga course. So far away though. It’s almost as if I start telling myself: “Hannah, you had your fun the past 3,5 months traveling. Now it’s time to be serious and normal again.”

But now I start thinking: what if the world is one big open playground? All the time? Why do I have to limit myself in that way? Since that cacao ceremony I’ve been starting to dream again or something.
Something has shift. It’s crazy. I want to make sure that I hold on to this confident feeling.
So, I start to be more and more aware of not giving Harry too much attention. Focus on the things that feel good, taking it step by step.

So, to talk more about my dream life: I would love, if I look at my calendar, to see all sort of different trips planned. To be “home” for a little bit, and then to go away again. To go away to do a retreat, to follow a specific course, to travel again. Even if I would settle with my boyfriend one day, and when we have our own retreat center together ;), I would see myself going away every now and then. It’s just who I am. So why limiting myself?

I also limited myself with going to Mexico and telling myself: “It has to be 2 months.”
It turned out that I wasn’t ready and I had to extend for 3,5 months.
Then I limited myself by saying: “So you’re going to stay in England with your boyfriend until the end of March, because then you have to go home to your house again because that’s what you’ve planned.”
And most importantly: “All this time, be normal and get serious and earn more money. Even though you still have savings. But you know, savings it for later.” When is later though…?

So, now I’m like: Wait a minute? Do I HAVE to do it this way?
Who is telling me that?
Harry is telling me that. But Harry is not real. It’s just an annoyingly strong voice in my head.

So, I said to myself: Rewind. Step back. Erase everything. All the ideas, or the “needs”, or the “have to’s”.
I’ve decided. Give me more of this, this feeling and all these exercises with meditation and helping to feel more present. I just have a strong desire to (again) get fully immersed in that world.
So, I’ve booked. BOOM. And I’ll go to Hridaya Yoga in France at the end of February for three weeks to do a yoga retreat. Get fully immersed in the world of being present and yoga. Sounds like a dream. WELL IT’S NOT!!
Even if money would have been a problem here, I believe that I would still have found ways to make it work. Volunteer in a retreat center instead again, for example.
By the way, Hridaya Yoga is the same organisation as where I did my silent retreat in Mexico.
My boyfriend goes skiing in the beginning of March and he will be busy anyway. So it all works out perfectly.

I can do some remote work from there as well. Even though I seem very anti-working at the moment, I do have some little jobs every now and then. So that’s perfect.
I just forbid myself to put any more attention to my “I have to work NOW”-feeling. I’m done with feeling forced and pushing myself, seriously.
It’s clearly not making me happy at the moment, so why would I do that to myself any longer.

I also don’t feel the need to go back home (the Netherlands) soon. So, for this it’s the same:
Why would I? Why would I tell myself to go home in March if I don’t need to, don’t have to.
I do have a flat at home though and it almost starts to feel like a pain in the ass for my freedom to be honest. But my flat is fweaking lovely so I don’t want to get rid of it immediately. 🙂
But, this pain in the ass is also solved for the moment, because my friend is happy to rent my house for longer. So, another BOOM, decision made: I’m not going home until half of June (maybe for 1-2 weeks and stay with my parents) and I will mostly stay with my boyfriend in the UK. Or maybe I decide to fly somewhere else, whatever. The whole world seems open for a little bit again and I just love that freedom right now!

So, I don’t know what happened. Well yeah maybe I do, I start listening to what I want and need instead of what I think I have to. I feel light and good and happy.
I’m out of that restless feeling for the moment.

So, I can tell myself: keep going, you’re on the right path.
Look for opportunities, not limitations.

X Hannah

If you prefer to listen, you can listen to my Brainwaves, here: