There we go, I’m ready! THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE OF MY LIFE.
Giving myself the permission to REST.
Giving myself the permission to be lazy.

This is definitely an important key towards my road to unconditional self love.
Hansie, dear Hansie, can you give yourself the permission to relax and do nothing without feeling bad?

You know how we all try to feel better in a way.
Or lots of people at least.
For me it’s like a mindfuck, because changing a habit or getting better at something or create new skills whatever, means to me that you have to work hard.
But this time I want to create a new habit, or at least break a pattern and now it means that I should do less.

“DOING LESS?! MINDFUCK!”
Harry, my inner critic, is very very confused now.
Good for you Harry, go to the corner and be confused. Leave me alone for a bit and come back to me when you are ready to say something useful again. 😉

So, my whole life I’ve been pushing myself to do things, be reactive, control things, keep being busy.
I feel like I always have to be productive.
I have to work hard to achieve things.
I think I’m not good enough if I’m not productive or if I don’t make big steps.
If I can show the world: See! I’m busy! I’m not lazy! I’m working on stuff! I’m doing this and that and this and that! Then I feel like I’m a worthy person.

This makes my mind also extremely, extremely busy.
That’s why I’m walking around like a living To Do list. That’s why I always want more. That’s why I always think I have to be busy. That’s why I can’t let myself just stay in bed for a day and do nothing without getting really angry at myself.

More often I have those days or moments that I am exhausted. Literally ex-haus-ted.
Which is not crazy with me changing scenery, people, time zones, all sorts of things all the time.
And the fact that I’m in a hardcore ongoing process of self-development, healing, peeling of layers, deconditioning, changing patterns. Being really conscious about that ongoing chatter in my head and trying to watch it instead of react to it, so it almost feels worse than ever sometimes.
All things that I have to recover from in a way.
But I don’t let myself. I don’t accept that I also need (lots of) rest yet.
Did I already say that I don’t let myself relax? 😉

So, there’s two things here. The first one is that the “you shouldn’t rest”-idea is just such a big part of me. My whole identity is built around the Hannah who is busy and who achieves things. Who tries to do everything perfect and is the one who always thinks she should be alert and on it, with the massive To Do lists in her head. Not only for herself, but also often for other people. Even looking for jobs in the past to use those skills: like working as an event organizer, where everything is focused on creating To Do lists and planning and organizing. HORROR!

It’s unnecessary hard work, the way I take it so seriously. It’s not possible to be alert and busy and putting energy in “productive stuff” all the time.
I mean, it is kind of possible apparently. I feel like I’m really strong because I constantly have the strength (except from some days that I collapse and have to sleep all day) to keep up being busy, keep up with life. But, clearly I’m feeling more exhausted, so my body is clearly saying: “Enough is enough, Hansie. Time to take a step back and change and rest.”
I have been struggling with a burn-out before and even without working that much I feel quite stressed every now and then. I’ll make sure I keep myself busy and working anyway, if I don’t pay attention. So, I really have to be careful with that.

But, I am just not happy AT ALL when I need a day of doing nothing. Or more! Can you imagine staying in bed and do nothing for two days!!??? TWO DAYS!??!
My word that is impossible (for Harry).
I get literally frustrated, angry at myself, annoyed with myself. It gives me so much stress because then I feel like my To Do list keeps growing, because then I have to move tasks to other days, instead of doing them ASAP.
But WHY do I get so frustrated about it? Because it only makes things worse. And also funny: see how this is a vicious circle, because I try to always keep busy so I don’t have a long To Do lists. But this pattern never stops. The To Do List keeps growing no matter how hard I work on it. So there’s never a break. Mindfuckkkk!

It’s ridiculous if you think about it. Why do I not accept myself as well when I’m tired, when I am not productive or when I take a rest? If I just let my To Do list for what it is for one or more days.
So this is the second thing that’s an important part of “the problem”. Do you see what happens?
So, I’m starting to be aware of the fact that I need my rest every now and then. But that’s not even all. Then… I also start to be “angry” at myself that I can’t even accept myself!
I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT ACCEPTING MYSELF THAT I DON’T ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I NEED REST!
Do you see the enormous vicious cycle I’m in here? That creates an even bigger problem! It makes the story in my head one big drama.

So REWIND, lots of steps back!!
The “problem” started with that I clearly need some rest. So I’ll just give myself that rest, easy right?
I am actually quite proud of myself because at least I start to let myself rest. I mean, before I wouldn’t even listen to those signs. It’s not weird that I had a burn-out before. But yeah, it would be nice to let myself rest without self rejection.
So I’ll continue giving myself that rest. I might feel discomfort, because Harry won’t get it at first, and maybe the first… 10 times. “BUT ALL THESE THINGS ON MY TO DO LIST!! PANICCCCCC! ALARMMMMM ALARMMM! WAKE UP!” That is the chatter I’ll have to listen to for a while.
Yes yes Harry, I see you, I see you. I don’t like it, but I see you. I won’t get mad at you. I see you. I see you and it’s ok, trust me. We rest and then we’ll see about the rest. 😉

I read something really interesting in a book and that made me realize how confused my Harry is:
Once you start to notice your patterns – and that is clearly what is happening to me at the moment – you feel a resistance towards it. Like it’s not a nice realization that, apparently, I don’t accept myself to be unproductive. But now it’s so clear, and into my face, that I have to face it.
I can’t ignore it anymore, you know.
I don’t want to live with that self-rejection and pressure all time.

But what happens now is that instead of accepting the fact that I don’t accept myself and let it naturally dissolve in that way, I keep it alive by trying to suppress it and do give it energy in that way. I let it grow because it has nowhere to go. I keep it and I make it worse by punishing myself that it’s still there.
It will dissolve after a while if it I just let it be for what it is, because that’s what happens if you don’t give it energy anymore. That’s the saying: where focus goes, energy flows, so also the other way around!
So what I have to do is just see it happen and LET IT GOOO!

You know what is the extra mindfuck.
So I’m really into Human Design at the moment. Maybe I’ll make a more complete (I mean for as far it’s possible, not really possible because it’s so complex but) blog about Human Design because I’ve learned a lot from it already.
Human Design talks about five energy types. So every human being is a particular energy type.
Most of the people are generators, which means they are the “workers” of this world. They can generate their own energy and it’s quite consistent. They kind of need to release their energy to be fulfilled.
But I’m a projector. A projector doesn’t have a consistent and reliable energy. So, I need to learn how to use my energy efficient. We shouldn’t be working like a generator can. Which doesn’t mean we’re lazy. It means you take time for yourself, learn skills, do things that interest you, without feeling the pressure of being productive. And wait for the right invitations to start working and use those skills. But it also means that resting is a really important part. That rest is helping you to shine when you have to shine.
Less doing, more being.
So all that pressure I put on myself, all that need to take constant action, be productive and work hard… According to Human Design it’s not good for me. But even if you forget about Human Design (it’s just a very good system to feel confirmation about things you notice about yourself) … I just feel it’s not good for me. It’s probably not good for anyone. Even though some people do work well with a bit of pressure. I don’t.
I don’t like feeling pressured and I feel obviously exhausted from time to time! So I need to let go of that pressure and the identity of being successful because I work hard.

So, can I allow myself to rest? To be unproductive? To do fuck all, that’s what English people say yeah right?
KAN IK HET ME V*RDOMME GUNNEN OM GEWOON TE CHILLEN?
To say it in Dutch 😉
That is a good question for myself, next to the question: Can I allow myself to be less available?
I think it’s good I start to ask myself those questions really.
To let me think about it with an open mind, instead of getting angry at myself of being annoyed by certain patterns.
There’s a beautiful quote of Tony Robbins, it says:
 “The quality of your life is a direct reflection of the quality of the questions you are asking yourself”

So yeah, to come back to this question.
It’s all about how strict I am to myself really.
No one is telling me that I am not allowed to stay in bed all day.
Ok, maybe some people will think I am lazy then.
But, I don’t care.
Oh well, I do care still, otherwise I would let myself be lazy without pressure.
I shouldn’t care.
Mindfuck.

“Just fweaking OWN YOUR LIFE.” Is what my brother says. (He would never say fweaking by the way, but in that way I put my own sauce over the sentence. That’s also a saying in Dutch, do you use that in English as well?)
ANYWAY. It’s my life, I do whatever I want and need.
And I let no one tell me what to do. That means for you as well, HARRY. 😉
I am worthy as a person, I am good enough, no matter how many things I do from my To Do list. Amen!

I’ve started to make a DONE list every now and then as well, by the way. To help me changing my way of thinking.
So instead of making list of things I think I need to do… I write down in the afternoon or in the night all the things I have done so far that day.
You’ll be surprised how much you do without even noticing it. Even though sometimes you feel you haven’t achieved anything. There’s a lot you do in a day that you’re not even aware of. Seeing all that makes my Harry very happy. Maybe yours will like it to.

Thanks for reading. Bye!

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