I had like a massive realization last week. Out of excitement I didn’t even took the time to write a blog about it, but I only decided to record a podcast on the spot. So, if you’re curious about it, you can listen to it here.
It was about the realization that I am spiritual awakening. Or at least, that’s what Google said. 😉

And even though it could have been quite obvious, maybe I’m naïve, because I’ve been experimenting with lots of spiritual stuff since a while… but I didn’t realize it fully until I Googled it and I read (a lot but especially) the 21 symptoms of spiritual awakening.
I was like: HO-LY SHIT. That’s me.

There’s no way back now. Full into the rollercoaster of letting go of my inner critic Harry.
And seriously, HOW EXCITING IS THAT!
I think it’s very very exciting.
So yeah, if you’re interested in a complete story about what I discovered, what I recognized about myself, what the symptoms are of spiritual awakening (as if it’s like a disease haha), listen to the podcast.

This realization started with me being “home alone” in my boyfriend’s house and feeling 100% happy and relaxed. I had the best time with myself. And I had been noticing that I have been really sensitive for his energy since I’m back in England, especially during night time. So I was craving alone time.
I can’t even sleep well next to him at the moment. It’s just a feeling of pressure in the room of someone who’s in my space, who’s on top of that making noises every now and then.
But it’s not just the noises, it’s the whole energy.
So the time alone, and especially sleeping alone, felt like freedom.

So, I thought: I’m going to sleep early tonight! Get a good night sleep.
And ok, I slept well, but a little bit later than expected.
I started questioning myself like: is it not just weird, or interesting, that I feel like this now he’s gone?
And more things have been starting to feel different in my being the past four weeks.
So I decided to Google on spiritual awakening (I had the presumption) and “not being able to handle other people’s energies very well.”
So many hits came up! With especially the blog with the 21 symptoms. I recognized myself completely.
That’s such a nice feeling, to kind of know you’re not crazy (or we’re all crazy, however you want to call it ;)).
The sensitivity, the feeling of wanting to be alone, the fascination about spirituality, the fact that I’m questioning everything I’ve believed about myself and the world so far, feeling lots of different energies in my body, being extremely exhausted every now and then…

The impulse of recording and sharing my insights was so strong, even though Harry peeped in quickly, of course, to say: “Are you sure you’re going to share this? It’s late in the night. It’s stupid. No one will care.”
But I didn’t listen. And I thought I would be able to sleep after this, but something crazy happened then.

I literally had the feeling as if a warm, strong wave of energy as building up in my body. Like completely feeling energized and full of life. Literally high on life. Almost as if I just had taken drugs. 😉
But I was completely sober I promise!
I recognized this feeling from my ten-day silent retreat and I experienced something similar during breathwork during the ice bath workshop I attended a year ago or so.

It’s just a crazy, and great, feeling! I felt like I could go and run a marathon.
I was like: Wow, this must be an extra “sign” that I’m doing the right thing you know, and that everything starts to make sense even more. Even though Harry seems still confused.

But you know, another puzzle piece clicked, or I finally literally felt this, understood this, because of this energized feeling:
This is literally what the whole idea is of “you are not your mind”.
The whole idea of “you have to die” (not literally, but they mean your EGO, your INNER CRITIC, your HARRY, he has to die) before you feel freedom (ALIVE!!) inside.

The freedom that we’re all looking for, also what they always say: “You’ll only find it within yourself”.
And I literally could understand fully how my Harry is literally sabotaging me. ALL THE TIME.
Putting so much pressure on myself and telling me that nothing is good enough.
I had so many times the past… well year or so, but it was getting worse the past months, that I almost decided to delete everything.
My blog, my podcast, my Instagram.

I literally had the idea (anxious thoughts though, not an inner resistance, that is definitely a big difference) so many times that what I was doing, wasn’t right. That I was doing stupid stuff, that people would have an opinion about me, that there was no point keep on going with the open sharings about my life journey.

But lying there in my bed, feeling so extremely energized after this realization, I was like: How can it al makes so much sense, how can it feels SO GOOD, and my Harry is keep telling me it’s not good? THAT doesn’t make sense!
So the only reason Harry is doing that, is because “he” (I mean obviously it’s not literally a person but you get it hopefully) is afraid to die. He “understands” that I am changing, that I am not listening anymore.
And that’s the worst thing for your ego. My whole belief system is falling apart. Panic attack incoming.

So of course the sabotaging gets worse, for a little bit. He’s SCREAMING in my head that I should stop this change. Your ego doesn’t like change. AT ALL.
Your ego is here to protect you, and support you.
YOU, that fire inside. Not you, your non-stop chattering dramatic trouble-seeking mind.

And okay, I’m more than grateful for my mind, if he’s protecting me from legit things.
But there’s no reason to protect me here. I’m feeling great. I’m ready to rocket sky high!
So O-M-G, what a realization, to see that everything that Harry is shouting, even though I do tend to believe him sometimes still, is all one big lie to sabotage myself.

That is the freedom they talk about.
It feels A-MA-ZING.
Can highly recommend. 😉

Ok, it’s not easy. To start a “battle” with your inner critic is fweaking awful.
It’s just crazy when you start to notice how easy we belief in everything our mind says. Especially the things you wish you wouldn’t believe in. But you just identify yourself completely. And when you start to take a step back from that, you see that it’s like one big warzone in your head.
But then it also feels as if you’ve just woke up from a nightmare and you’re looking at the warzone instead of being inside the warzone.
And you’re like: Holy f*ck, in what kind of bad dream did I end up?! Not gonna go back there again!

So I can tell you, it’s 1000% worth it. Diving into this proces. Facing the fears, facing Harry de held op sokken, the Hero on socks (is what we say in Dutch, is that English?)
It’s worth it already. And I’ve only just started! My awakening has only just begun.

So remember:
Your mind will always tell you to stop changing.
Harry won’t leave, and it’s not about him leaving. He will always be there to tell me what to do or what not to.
But I do have a choice. I prefer to follow that energized feeling from now on and my intuitive impulses.
I prefer to feel alive instead of stuck in my own created prison.

Thanks for reading! X

If you prefer to listen, you can listen to my Brainwaves, here: